The Question is Where

I don't mind a mess. But sometimes, the mess can get too much. Last night, I started feeling claustrophobic - I felt like everything was a balagan. Guess what? Move the hat, move the backpack - and the room looks decently neat. For this reason, I was told, "Chana, I moved TWO things. TWO things do not constitute a mess."

That's true. Two things aren't a mess. That made me think, and after about three minutes I realized that, at least for me, the problem seems to be where the mess is - not how big it is, or what it's made of.

For example:

- a backpack on the couch is messy; a backpack on the floor, leaning against the couch, is practically invisible.

- two shoes together, by the wall, is fine; two shoes - not together - in the middle of the floor, is not fine.

- pajamas strewn messily on the floor are annoying; pajamas strewn in the same manner on the bed are not noticed.

- an unemptied mikva bag on the couch is messy, but I will happily empty an unemptied mikva bag that is hanging in the bathroom.

- a hat on the table is annoying; a hat on top of two stacked hatboxes that are sitting on the floor against the wall isn't a problem.

- a chair in the middle of the floor is disastrous; the same chair against a wall (not where it belongs, either) can sit there for days and I won't care.

- clothes strewn on the desk are a Problem; clothes strewn in the same fashion on the desk chair are not.

- two socks on top of each other in the middle of the floor are fine; the same socks in different places on the floor are messy.

- sfarim on the couch are an awful mess; sfarim on the table are in their second home.

- a bucket in the corner of the living room is not okay; a bucket by the head of my bed is [unfortunately] not noticed.

- dirty dishes on the counter are disgusting; dirty dishes in the sink can sit there (until my overly-sensitive nose takes offense, which usually takes about six hours of them sitting there).

- and so on.

Basically, what I learned last night was something that I've known for a while, but haven't been able to properly define. I live in a mess, albeit an organized mess. The problem, as I would assume it is for most people is not about "what", but about "where" and "how". Many people would define papers strewn all over a desk as messy - but who would call those same papers messy, when stacked in an imperfect pile? It's not the papers that are inherently the problem; it's how they look and where they are that bothers us. Or rather, bothers those who find papers bothersome.

It's not the kid who's tugging your shirt that bothers you; it's the fact that he's doing it while you're talking on the phone to your best friend that's the problem. In other words - not who, but when. Most people, unfortunately, confuse the who/what with the when/where/how.

Often, I do it, too. It's not that I don't appreciate when my mother/MIL ask me semi-personal or personal questions. It's how and when those questions are asked that determine my reaction. If my MIL had asked these questions when I first met her, I would have considered her a nosy busybody who it's best to avoid. If she asked them in a tone of voice that said she didn't care (how), didn't respond appropriately (how), or didn't allow me time to respond (when), then I would not want to share information with her. And the same, obviously, for my mother. If I don't talk to my mother a lot, it's not because of who she is (my mother), but rather because of how she responds, when she asks, and how she reacts, long term, to the fact that I shared information with her.

If your kid sister "is a pest", chances are that she is not the pest (who), but rather her actions at that moment (when) or in that fashion (how) are annoying you. There aren't "good" kids, and there aren't "bad" kids. There ARE kids who know "when" and "how" to act, and "where" which actions are appropriate. So...labeling kids is not a good idea, and calling the house (what) a mess isn't a good idea, either. The question, rather, is how the kid's actions are problematic, and how the house is a mess - which, of course, will also lead you to correcting the when and where of the problem, as well.